FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
