I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
