apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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