Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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