I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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