went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
