he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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