YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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