I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
