Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
