there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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