Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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