My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
