Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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