He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
