Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
