yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
