She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
