"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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