I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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