i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
