You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
well I can't set my house on fire every night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
