Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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