She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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