either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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