Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
