Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
