Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
