Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
