we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
