So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
