Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Is it because I queefed?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
