when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
