I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
