And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
