Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
