i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
