I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
