Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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