You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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