whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
