This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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