Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
