omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
