what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
