my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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