I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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