I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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