I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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