She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
