This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He shit in the fireplace
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
