So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Watching her eat just hurts me
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
